


Never Call It 'VD'

by HumsHappily



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Love, M/M, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff, funny valentines gifts, mystrade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-12 02:52:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13538145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HumsHappily/pseuds/HumsHappily
Summary: Venereal diseaseNoun: a contagious disease (such as gonorrhea or syphilis) that is typically acquired in sexual intercourse — compare std. Abbreviated as ‘VD’RelationshipNoun:the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.Valentine’s DayNoun:The damn thing that started all this, dammit. Also see: Gregory Lestrade struggles to figure out a gift for the man who has it all.





	Never Call It 'VD'

**Author's Note:**

> Venereal diseases are no joke! Please practice safe sex, and get your routine testing!  
> Have a safe and happy valentines everyone!

It seemed simple enough really. Surprising one’s partner for Valentine’s day shouldn’t be difficult. People all over the world did it every day! But then again….people all over the world weren’t dating Mycroft Holmes. 

Greg bit at the skin of his thumb, tapping his foot against his desk. The yard was quiet enough for once, and he was miraculously caught up on paperwork. Which was fine. Meant no one was getting murdered. But then again, it also meant he had no excuse for not coming up with something to surprise Mycroft. It didn’t really have to be a surprise, but it would need to make him smile. Or laugh. Two things Greg had made it his mission to do since they’d gotten together almost a year ago. Their anniversary was March 13th, so he’d missed the first valentine's day by a hair, making this year the first. Some sleuthing had uncovered nothing about what Mycroft was plotting to do for him, which made it all the more difficult. 

Tossing down his pen, Greg stood and grabbed his coat. “Going out to check on a cold case,” he called by way of explanation. Someone, possibly Dimmock grumbled back at him, and Greg took it as his leave, heading to Baker Street. 

**

“Sherlock, can you at least stop putting seashells in the kettle? I keep forgetting to check.”

“Then remember,” Sherlock replied, ignoring John as he puttered around the kitchen, doing his best to tidy up what remained of their newest kitchen table after an unfortunate incident with some orange rinds and a beaker of hydrochloric acid. “Lestrade is here.”

“Is he?” John came over, drying his hands with a towel and peeking out the window. “He’s probably after that cold case you have.”

“So he’ll say, but he really wants to speak about Mycroft.” Sherlock grimaced, turning away and flopping ungracefully into his chair. 

“They’re nearly at a year now.” John gave a bit of a smirk. “You know that that means you’ll have to pay up.”

Sherlock ignored him, waving his hand at the kitchen. “Don’t you have some cleaning to do?”

Greg entered the flat then, ducking as John threw the towel at Sherlock’s face. “Heya.”

“Hey Greg. I’d offer tea, but someone needs to go buy us a new kettle.”

Sherlock scowled. “Oh just take them out. It was Rosie that put them in anyway.”

“Stop letting her do experiments! She’s too young to be messing about in this trap of a kitchen. We have the baby gate for a reason!” 

“She’s scientifically inclined, which is more than I can say about you.”

“You realize I have a doctorate as well, you berk. It wasn’t all just medical!” Sherlock ducked the ladle John chucked at him, and Greg sat down on the couch, more than used to the bickering. 

“Where is Rosie anyway?” he asked, looking around. “Down with Mrs. Hudson?”

“Yeah, needed her out for a bit to clean up this mess, and Mrs. Hudson offered,” John appeared in the doorway, drying a mug. “So. Here about the case?”

“Yeah, if you have it done.” 

“Typed it up for you. On that flashdrive,” John replied, gesturing at the table. “Would have emailed, but the graphs wouldn’t save properly and Sherlock wouldn’t help me.” He disappeared back into the kitchen and Sherlock smirked, steepling his fingers. 

“You’re not here for the case. You want to know what to do about Mycroft, and that ridiculous holiday.” 

Greg shifted. “I don’t have any idea how to surprise him.”

“Why must you surprise him?”

“Because it’s a big thing. It’s a holiday, and our first valentines day.”

Sherlock rolled his eyes. “You’ve already celebrated Christmas, I’d think that one was a bit larger.”

“It was a big thing, but I went with him to your parents. VD is just for us.”

John popped his head out of the kitchen, wincing. “First tip? Never call it that.” He sighed and came in, sitting down in his chair. “Do you want to be romantic, fun, exciting? What?”

“Well, part of the problem is I don’t know what Mycroft’s doing for it. So if he’s taking us out, or preparing a meal or something, I don’t want to overlap.”

John nodded. “Right. So you don’t want anything too likely that he’d do. That means surprising him. Thinking outside of the box.”

“Can’t you two just do something horribly disgusting to celebrate?” Sherlock asked, rolling his eyes. “As you said it is VD.”

Greg sighed. “Yeah, I suppose I could just buy him something for the bedroom. But what the hell do you get someone who has everything?” 

John wet his lips. “Ah. No idea on that. But I’m sure you’ll find something. You’ve got two weeks.”

“Right.” Greg leaned forward, and slipped the flashdrive into his pocket. “I’ll bring this back in a while. Good luck cleaning up the kitchen.”

John sighed, and glanced over his shoulder at the room. “Yeah.” 

Greg chuckled, and made his escape, wandering down the street toward the nearest shops. If nothing else, he could figure out a good card for Mycroft. He passed by a toy shop, and paused seeing something in the window. Grinning, he stepped in, greeting the shopkeeper. Maybe he could surprise Mycroft by doing the exact opposite of what John had said. 

 

**

Greg rolled over, sitting up as Mycroft arrived home late that night and stepped into the bedroom. “Mm. Hi love.” He smiled at him, rubbing a hand through his hair. “How was work?”

“Tiring,” Mycroft replied, going over to the dresser. 

Greg yawned, and leaned back against the pillows, watching him change with sleepy interest. “Sorry about that love. Anything good happen though?” 

“I had a rather productive policy workshop that you should see the results of in the news later this month.” Mycroft slipped into bed beside him, kissing Greg’s cheek. 

Greg smiled, and turned his head, catching Mycroft’s lips. “Good. You know, I was thinking about something,” he said, weaving their fingers together. 

“What might that be?” Mycroft asked, laying his head on Greg’s shoulder. 

“We should both get tested. Get on the same schedule.” Greg smiled, and squeezed his head, laying his head on Mycroft’s. “Just to be safe.”

“How romantic,” Mycroft replied dryly. “I agree. It is a good idea.”

“I have those some times,” Greg chuckled, kissing his temple. “Now. Get some rest, love.” 

“Goodnight, Gregory.”

**

Greg finished off his preparations just as his phone alerted with a message from Mycroft. Smiling, he went to grab it. 

(A car will be there for you at 6:45. Wear your red button down. MH)

(The one that drives you a bit crazy? See you soon. xx )

Greg smiled, brushed a bit of lint off the aforementioned shirt, and went to hunt down the jacket he’d gotten to go with it. He’d avoided a waistcoat, but he was wearing a proper suit, in a nice dove grey, since Mycroft was taking them out to dinner and then some sort of performance. With a spritz of cologne, Greg closed the bedroom door and headed downstairs. 

The car pulled up moments later, and Greg climbed in, smiling at Mycroft. “Hello there.” 

“Good evening, Gregory.” Mycroft tucked away his phone, and leaned over, kissing Greg’s cheek. “Happy Valentines day.”

“Same to you,” Greg smiled and squeezed his hand. “Gonna tell me where we’re headed?”

“The show first, actually. I’ve arranged for dinner to be waiting for us at home.” 

“Sounds good. Short show?” 

“Yes, actually. Acis and Galatea. I believe the run time is only an hour and a half, but I haven’t seen it before, and I thought we might enjoy it.” 

“Good, good.” Greg leaned back, simply smiling at Mycroft. “God, I love you,” he said with a grin, imagining Mycroft’s face when they returned home.

“Do you?” Mycroft raised an eyebrow. “I hope you know I have avoided deducing what you have planned.”

Greg chuckled. “I don’t think you could deduce this. Go on. Try. I want to challenge you.”

Mycroft swept his gaze over him. “Easy. You have a card, flowers, and balloons waiting for me. As well as some sort of stuffed toy. And you did bring home dessert for tonight as well, but that I already knew as I carried it inside for you.” 

“Three stuffed toys actually.” Greg’s grin grew wider, and he tucked his hand behind his head. “The rest was right though.” 

Mycroft frowned. “Gregory, if something pops out at me when we return home, I will not be pleased with you.”

“Nothing will pop out at you,” Greg winked at him. “But it’ll be exciting. You know. Gotta do something fun for VD and all that.”

Mycroft’s nose wrinkled a bit, and Greg let himself smirk in satisfaction. Had it been a pain in the ass referring to Valentine’s day as VD for the past week, and pretending he didn’t notice Mycroft’s small bit of horror each and every time? Yes. Would it be absolutely worth it once they returned home and Mycroft saw what was waiting in the bedroom? Yes. 

“How was work?” Greg asked, changing the subject as they pulled up outside the theatre. 

“Perfectly dreadful and far too long considering I was anticipating returning home to you, and attending the theatre tonight.”

“Bit early for a show, isn’t it?” Greg asked, following him in, and frowning as they were lead up to the balcony. “Where is everyone?”

Mycroft glanced back at him, an air of smug superiority lingering around him even as he reached for Greg’s hand. “Everyone will not be attending. This is for you and I.” 

Greg smiled. “What?”

“I promised dinner and a show, however, I may have lied about what we would be seeing and when we would be dining.” Mycroft smiled. “Which show is it that you have always said is your favourite?’

“Phantom.” Greg looked at him. “I know you didn’t get the whole cast of Phantom here for a private show.”

Mycroft inclined his head slightly as they were led into a box, and their guide disappeared, a candlelit dinner waiting for them. “I did not. I did however, do something a bit different. Backstage is a small crew of rather motley youths waiting to thrill you with not only the songs from Phantom and other productions, but their own creations as well.” Mycroft produced a plain white envelope from his inner pocket. “Here is our set list. Performers names, song choices, and biographies. They are the first five recipients of the Gregory Lestrade Scholarship for the Arts and will all be attending the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art this upcoming year.” 

Greg stared at him. “What?” 

Mycroft hesitated. “I know that had you had the choice, you may have pursued the arts. But instead, you chose a steady career path. For that, I am grateful, as it brought you to me, but I know that you have wished to give back to the arts, and music and drama especially. It was a comfort to you during your upbringing, and still brings you comfort today. So...I started a scholarship fund in your name.”

Greg stepped forward, putting his hand on the back of Mycroft’s neck. “Just when I think I can’t love you any damn more,” he said softly. “You go and pull this stunt. You absolutely magnificent man.” He kissed Mycroft deeply, smiling at the blush on his cheeks as he tipped their foreheads together. “I love you so much.” 

“I’m glad you like it,” Mycroft said, closing his eyes for a moment. “I was afraid it would be...well.”

“It’s not too much. Because it’s not just for me,” Greg smiled. “You gave all those kids a chance. And I can’t think of a better gift.”

Mycroft squeezed his hand. “I am glad you like it,” he murmured. “Let’s sit, so I can let them know to begin?”

“Course.” Greg smiled, and turned away, pulling his chair out as Mycroft signaled down to the stage. “Mine’s going to look terrible after this,” he said.

Mycroft sat down with a smile. “Nonsense. Anything you give I will love. ”

“Will you? Even the stuffed toys?” Greg asked, taking his own seat.

“Even those,” Mycroft sighed. “Though I have no idea where we’ll put them.”

“If you really hate them, we can just give them to Rosie. I won’t be offended,” Greg said, attention shifting to the stage as the house lights dimmed. 

Mycroft said nothing, only reached out, taking his hand.

**

Greg laughed, waving as the students filed out. He turned to Mycroft, eyes bright. “That was amazing, My.” He grinned, running a hand through his hair. “They’re all so damn happy! And they needed this, needed something like this so much!” 

Mycroft inclined his head. “I am very pleased you enjoyed your gift so much. I was concerned it wouldn’t be the right kind.”

“I love it. It’s a great kind of gift,” Greg said, rolling his eyes and tugging him in for a hug. “And I love you. Let’s go home.” He tugged Mycroft to the car, where he continued to chatter on about the students that had performed and what they had talked to him about. Mycroft interrupted him with a quiet cough as they returned home, and Greg jumped out of the car. “Come up to the bedroom in two minutes. Okay?”

“Very well.” Mycroft raised an eyebrow, following Greg at a more sedate pace. He took a seat at the kitchen table, sorting through the mail as Greg pulled a bag from the fridge and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. 

“Mycroft!” 

At Greg’s call, Mycroft gave a bit of a sigh, but got up, plastering a smile on his face as he made his way up to the bedroom. He pushed open the door, and froze, blinking in surprise.  


Greg grinned at him, seeing the fake smile on Mycroft’s face replaced with a look of...shock might be the best term. Shock would certainly be the normal reaction when someone was faced with a room of...well. 

It had started with the stuffed toys. Greg had passed the display, and immediately gone in with John’s words in his head, thinking a gag gift and a blowjob would be the order of the day. He’d picked three out, the first a peanut shaped light blue-gonorrhea. The second, a noxious green circle with puckered lips-chlamydia. And the third was quite possibly his favorite. It was a cute fuzzy ball, grey and soft with big doe eyes-HPV. 

“Happy VD,” Greg said with a grin, watching Mycroft take in the stuffies, then move to the flowers. The flowers had come next, all in bright pink, white, or red, but very interestingly shaped. Romantic certainly, but there was something to be said about a room filled with a flower called the ‘wang peony’. There was champagne waiting as well, alongside a small cake, shaped like a somehow infected looking pair of bollocks and their attached member. “I wanted to do something a bit different.” Blown up condoms were scattered about the room as well, a few filled with helium and tied to the bedposts, their colors matching those of the flowers. 

Stepping forward, Greg took a bouquet from behind his back, this one a normal mix of tiger lilies and white babies breath. Tucked in among the flowers were two envelopes, holding their clean test results. “Happy Valentines Day,” he said softly, leaning in and kissing Mycroft. “I love you, My. And all this well…”

“You wanted to make me smile,” Mycroft said, still taking in the sight. “You...wanted to...make me laugh?”

“You’ve got a hard job,” Greg replied. “And then you come home, and you stress about us, stress about making sure you’re perfect and everything is fine. I wanted to do something different, something to take that stress away. Make you laugh. Just like you said. I don’t hear you laugh enough, and that’s a shame. So if it means I take ‘Valentines Day’ and turn it into ‘VD’ just so I can make a joke about venereal diseases….well….. ” Greg shrugged and kicked away a condom balloon as it drifted over by his feet. Rather suddenly, Mycroft began to giggle, completely undignified, completely at a loss for words. 

Greg grinned, starting to laugh along with him, pressing the flowers into his hands as he leaned in to steal a kiss. “If you really hate the toys,” he said. “We can give them to Rosie. Except for HPV, he’s adorable. And this is only part of your gift, but it was the most fun to do. I also got Anthea to schedule you a weekend and a little extra away for our anniversary. We’ll be in Thailand, on the beach for five days. Sound all right?” 

“More than,” Mycroft cupped his face, eyes bright. “I am rather fond of you Gregory Lestrade. I may even love you.”

“Just maybe?” Greg asked. 

“Perhaps a bit more than maybe.” Mycroft stroked his cheek. “And if you were willing...perhaps that time in Thailand could be more than our first year anniversary.” 

“More than a one year?”

Mycroft nodded. “I am asking you for one more gift tonight, Gregory. Would you do me the honor of accepting my marriage proposal?” 

Greg kissed him. “Only if you accept mine. Marry me, Mycroft?” 

“It would be a pleasure. But if we are discussing contingencies….” Mycroft smiled. “You must promise me one more thing.”

Grinning, Greg rolled his eyes. “Let me see….Never call it VD?”

**Author's Note:**

> As always, find me [here](http://hums-happily.tumblr.com/) on tumblr.  
> Any notification of errors are accepted with gratefulness that knows no bounds.  
> Kudos, comments, and your happy (pained) flailing are accepted with glee. I hope you enjoyed!  
> **
> 
> Related links for those who wish to see: 
> 
> The orange peel experiment: http://ieeexplore.ieee.org/document/7483055/?reload=true  
> Stuffies (follow the link to see more): https://www.amazon.com/Giant-Microbes-GMD0150-Clap-Plush/dp/B000JZ08US  
> Wang Peony: http://avmedia.info/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/583243ac1fa919b34636ed5f960a15b2.jpg  
> The cake: https://i.pinimg.com/564x/2d/03/62/2d03626a9757bd87c382139f08a3489a--bridal-shower-shower-ideas.jpg


End file.
